My husband David and I sat down to discuss the principles behind our marriage. These principles have helped us sustain a thirty-two year marriage. We are not perfect by any means. We still have disagreements. But, there are some principles that have helped us through the years.
Pray
Pray with each other and for each other. David and I follow the same Bible reading plan. We each read throughout the week in our own private quiet time. Every Saturday, we sit down to pray together and discuss what God said to us in our quiet time. This holds us accountable and grows our faith. It draws us closer to each other. It also keeps us on the same page spiritually.
Be intentional
Intentionally make time for each other. It is easy to let life take over and not make time for one another. That is why you need to be intentional. If money is an issue do a stay date. If you have the privilege of having grandparents close by send the kids to spend the night. If not, send them to bed early. Alternatively, set them up with their own movie night and head to your own room. Set the mood, light candles use your good dishes. One night, I set up an air bed in the living room. I made a fire in the fireplace. I laid out our favorite snacks and picked a romantic movie. It’s still a fond memory to this day.
You can only fix yourself
I have heard pastors say to singles to work on being the person you want to marry. I don’t think this stops once you get married. We often want to fix our spouse when we should really focus on fixing ourselves. Truth is we can’t fix our spouse. That is reserved for the Holy Spirit. We can’t even fix ourselves without the help of the Holy Spirit. So when praying for your spouse, be ready for God to speak to you about what you need to change. He will handle matters with your spouse.
Forgive
I feel like this should be understood but also feel like it needs to be said. When you win at your spouse’s expense you lose. Forgiveness in marriage is for the advantage of both the husband and the wife. The quickest way to destroy a marriage is to walk in bitterness and unforgiveness. Forgiveness unlocks intimacy just as unforgiveness stifles intimacy. Intimacy needs trust, safety, and forgiveness. This can also mean admitting when you are wrong and asking for forgiveness. 1 Corinthians 13 says love keeps no record of wrongs. In marriage, you have to learn to forgive and forget. Don’t bring up past mistakes. Let them go. Now I am not talking about wounds. Wounding is different that offense. I am not going to get into that in this post because that is not what this is about. It’s about making a good marriage a marriage that lasts.
Make the right friends.
You have heard the saying “Show me your friends and I will show you your future”. Well, the same can be said of your marriage. Your friends will draw you together or draw you apart. If your friends speak poorly about their spouse Your attitude towards your spouse will change. The next thing you know you will find yourself complaining about your spouse. Even your unmarried friends will make or break your marriage. If you hang out with people who don’t understand marriage is a covenant, they won’t comprehend its significance. They will not encourage decisions that support your marriage. These decisions will not be in the best interest of your marriage. For instance if you have a disagreement with your spouse they could encourage you to look else where. You want friends who believe in the sanctity of marriage. Friends who encourage you to build each other up not tear each other down. You want couple friends who make time for each other and are not always looking to get away. We have friends with whom we get together who love the same things we do. We have one set of friends we get together with to hike and bike. We have other people we get together with to fellowship with. One thing they all have in common is that they love each other and believe in their covenant.
Be a team
Work together not against each other. Work to build a home that is inviting and peaceful. Our homes are our first ministry. Our homes must be inviting. They should make others feel safe. Without these qualities, we will not be effective in ministering to others. Your children need to see that you are a team. If your children sense that you are against each other they will use that against you. Support each other’s endeavors even if it’s not your cup of tea. My husband is a big supporter of my writing endeavors and encourages me every day. Remember if your spouse loses you lose, if your spouse wins you win. Why? Because you are a team. Go, team!
Live first for God
Put God first in everything you do. Matthew 6:33 says “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” Then all these things will be added unto you. By putting God first everything else will be taken care of it self. Put God first in everything. This includes tithing, church attendance, and reading God’s word individually. It also involves engaging in these practices as a family. When I homeschooled my boys, I claimed to put God first. In reality, if we started late, or had an appointment, I would delay Bible study. It took a family crises for me to see this. I promptly went out a bought some one year Bibles and we began every morning with Bible. After putting God first you must then put each other second.
Laugh and have fun
When my husband and I first got married this was very important to us. We had both been in relationships where our partners didn’t have a good sense of humor. This lack of humor made difficult situations more challenging. From the start, we said we would laugh our way through life. We have continued to do that to this day. We have laughed in our car when it was broke down. We laughed sitting in the ER or in the hospital. Proverbs says “a merry heart does good like a medicine”. We also make sure to just have fun. We dance on the back porch. We take long walks and ride bikes because we know how important it is to have fun. Having fun and laughing makes good memories and it gives you something to look back on when things get tough.
Show gratitude
We have to be intentional about showing gratitude. sometimes life just gets busy and we forget to show our spouse we appreciate them. It’s easy to take each other for granted and just see each other filling a role. But, the truth is we all want to be appreciated for what we do. appreciation can go a long way for building a relationship. So when was the last time you showed your spouse some gratitude?
Give each other space
We all need space to grow and do the things that make us happy. We also need other relationships outside our marriage. That is why giving your spouse space is so important. When you have the opportunity to step outside your marriage, you can bring something new into the marriage. It adds excitement. You learn things about yourself you didn’t know and find new interests. My husband and I both have friends we get together with outside of each other. This gives us the chance to get another perspective on life. Then we can come back together and share what we learned.
These are just some of the things that have added to our thirty two year marriage. I hope this helps build a strong and lasting marriage.
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